The Intersection of Adolescence, Adaptation and Loss
Parenting requires us to stay in an ebb and flow, while supporting the changing tides of our teens. Yet, I wonder how many of us really acknowledge this almost rhythmical pattern that screams transition and change.
There’s three parts at play here:
The adolescent stage
A recurrent need for parents to adapt and adjust
Grief and loss
PART I
Erik Erikson, a Psychologist, believed that personality evolves through eight stages of development. Within each stage the individual experiences a psychosocial crisis. How the crisis is resolved will determine personality development. We’re going to focus on ages 12-18, identity versus role confusion.
Adolescents are learning their personal identity, searching for how they will engage with the larger society, and it’s accompanied by a deep sense of exploration around values, beliefs, relationships, and sexual development. This supports why we see our teens changing social groups, trying on new styles, listening to different music, engaging in different social causes, experimenting and rebelling, addressing philosophical and existential concepts, and determining their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
This list isn’t exhaustive, yet the major takeaway is adolescents have a lot to figure out during this six-year period.
If teens identify a sense of Self, then they have successfully completed this stage of development.
I know who I am and how I engage with the world
If teens are unsure of their identity, then they’re in a state of role confusion.
Where do I fit in? I don’t know who I am and what I want
PART II
This piece runs parallel to the adolescent stage of development. Overlap exists because of our ability to observe changes in our teens. These changes we see, then influence our own capacity to feel and maintain a sense of balance and wellbeing.
Realistically, raising an adolescent requires resiliency around, and acceptance that change is part of parenting. Their development is constantly shifting, but change isn’t something that always comes easily. Change requires us to step into an unknown, yet we might be comfortable exactly where we’re at. We may not want to change or maybe we’re not ready. Change also requires taking responsibility and making efforts to engage in a new action. Sometimes there’s too much change during a small window of time, and we’re overwhelmed.
PART III
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief. These stages also support positive transitions such as buying a new car, moving careers, seeing your teen graduate high school, etc.
The 5 stages:
Denial
A stage of shock. Denial is instinctive, allowing us to stay in a protective manner of operating until we’re able to address the loss with more effective resources.
Anger
Ranges from frustration to rage, and can be directed at the loss itself or misplaced on other areas or relationships.
Bargaining
The deals we make, could have made or should have made to prevent the loss or to minimize further hurt and pain.
Depression
Sadness, emptiness, needing to be alone or withdrawing from the outside world and relationships.
Acceptance
This is not about agreement or liking the changes impacted by the loss. It’s a stage that brings peace more often than not, and a sense that everything can be okay.
Stages of grief interweave into parenting more often than we think.
Examples:
A recognition that we miss a different version of our teen
Grieving expectations that no longer work or support our teen’s development
Acknowledging that an old parenting version of yourself can no longer exist
Admitting that you don’t know how to connect with your teen when they’re questioning different aspects of their life.
HOW DO WE USE THIS INFORMATION MOVING FORWARD?
Take the time to acknowledge the different changes adolescence is bringing forth for your teen.
What shifts have you seen in their identities?
How are they making sense of the world around them?
hat new interests are they engaging in?
Observe your own process around the changes you see within your teen.
What feelings and thoughts come up for you?
Do you like the change(s)?
Generally, how do you deal with change?
Notice if there’s a sense of grief attached to any of the changes you observe.
Are you feeling supportive or wishing this new development would leave as quick as it came?
Are you wish things could go back to the way they used to be?
Do you find yourself reminiscing about an earlier stage of development or an earlier stage of parenting?
