CHAPTER THREE:

BECOMING FLUENT IN TEENAGE GIRL

Communication is key to any relationship—we need to make sure we’re speaking the same language. I’ve heard parents exclaim, “What does that even mean?” when they recall different interactions with their daughter. Understanding the language of adolescents is a skill set that requires caregivers to keep up with the changing times and to decode information. There’s a lot to keep up with, which is why I’m excited to present this chapter, dedicated to how teen girls communicate and the different dialects of social media. We’ll look at:

• How teen girls communicate with parents and peers, and how teen girls express themselves emotionally

• The different components of feelings, why those feelings are important, and the benefits of emotional expression

• The language of social media, the different types of apps, and how those apps allow teens to interact with peers and a broader audience

• The intersection between performance, perfection, and comparison as it pertains to social media, and the pressures teens face to hide behind a flawless version of themselves

• Questions about meanness and inappropriate social media use

• How girls define power and navigate relationships through indirect aggression

• The risks of social media, including information on different features within popular apps

We’ll close out this chapter with related tips for parents and key takeaways from the chapter.

HOW TEENAGE GIRLS COMMUNICATE

Communication is a tough arena for parents. Most caregivers acknowledge that their daughter is less likely to communicate with them now, as peers become a much bigger part of their daughter’s personal bubble. It’s normal for caregivers to struggle with what feels like limited communication, even with basic questions like, “How was school today?” or, “What do you want for dinner?” Often, questions are met with one-word responses, brief phrases, or the iconic, “I don’t know.” It’s likely that your teen will save longer communication for close friends.

That said, most teens are avid texters. Text messaging supports brief spurts of communication marked by acronyms, emojis, and GIFs. Of course, it’s much easier to send “FOMO” than “fear of missing out,” or the appropriate emoji to communicate that something is hysterically funny, annoying, or frustrating. Texting is convenient and provides immediate responses. From a teen’s perspective, it takes way longer to call someone to confirm a meeting time than to shoot off a quick text. And it’s fun—texting GIFs and emojis gives teens opportunities to express their feelings in a visual format. From this perspective, GIFs and emojis have become a universal language of understanding that doesn’t require teens to share any words.

But live communication is still important. Teens at this age are starting to recognize body language and tone of voice. They’re also likely to be very vocal about their opinions and speak up more. Girls will express their enjoyment of and distaste for certain situations or people and communicate in ways that others may perceive as argumentative, abrupt, or impolite. For example, as teens learn how to effectively use their voices, there may be times when they react or address concerns untactfully. It’s important that parents see these viewpoints as opportunities by teens to assert their independence and integrate new(er) concepts and beliefs.

I don’t want to suggest that girls are overexaggerating or overreacting in their responses. We should simply acknowledge that girls often communicate in a manner that is more emotionally expressive. For example, parents will often share about their teen, “They’re so emotional,” or, “They’re so sensitive.” I believe there’s an important question here for parents to consider. Are girls truly more emotionally expressive, and does the socialization of girls play a role? Findings would suggest both are true. Girls are generally more emotionally expressive compared to male peers, with traditional concepts of what’s expected of females influencing communication practices. Teen girls are expected to show higher intensities of most emotions, specifically happiness, but to quiet negative emotions such as shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. Teen girls are also more likely to communicate with empathy, sympathy, and nurturance, as vulnerability and sensitivity are more socially accepted of girls.

THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATING ABOUT FEELINGS

Feelings have become synonymous with vulnerability. Many of us have been conditioned to shut them off or push them down, instead allowing rationality to be the regarded powerhouse guiding\ decision-making. Through this conditioning, we’ve steered toward negating our emotions, so when they do arise, we aren’t sure what to do. To develop the necessary skills to communicate emotions requires us to regard feelings as healthy and to teach our teen girls that feelings, both comforting and discomforting, are okay.

Before girls can communicate about their feelings, however, they need to understand what their feelings are and how to talk about them. Communicating feelings is more than just identifying a feeling or having an emotional vocabulary. It also involves the ability to:

• Regulate and manage feelings

• Understand the intensity of an emotion

• Observe others’ body language and facial expressions

• Connect feelings with physical sensations in the body

• Understand affect and mood congruency; that is, when an emotional reaction, including facial expressions, matches the situation or experience

All of these aspects and others influence how we share our feelings and develop healthy communication skills. These skills are associated with a host of benefits. In addition to mental health benefits, such as decreasing depression and anxiety in teens, expressing feelings in healthy ways allows teen girls to organize their thoughts and experiences, engage in effective problem-solving, and lower their physical reactions to stress.

Feelings also fuel connection. When teens have a strong emotional foundation, they’re better equipped to empathize, sharing in the emotional experience of another, which also supports the ability to observe another’s perspective. Feelings further encourage girls to ground in their power and confidently share their voice—two skills that pour into self-worth and authentic interactions.

When teen girls are encouraged to feel with, and through, their feelings, they’re creating foundational tools that will help them express their needs and desires effectively, ask for help, and speak up when a negative situation arises. To feel with and through an emotion asks that teen girls befriend the emotion, allowing the natural state of their feeling to be felt fully, even when the feeling doesn’t feel so great. When we try to bypass emotions that we don’t like or that are uncomfortable, we allow layers of unprocessed feelings to pile up. Typically, when feelings go unseen and stack too high, a breaking point occurs, and emotions unravel.

The research is mixed. Some studies suggest that gender differences exist within forms of indirect aggression, social aggression, and relational aggression, with girls being more aggressive, yet this gender difference is relatively small. In a study from the University of Georgia, findings suggested that boys are meaner than girls, through both indirect and physical forms of aggression. This same study also found that relational and physical aggression for both genders grades—and then declines throughout high school.

I will use indirect aggression to encompass relational and social aggression here, as studies have shown that they share more similarities than differences. Indirect aggression includes behaviors that create harm through body language and verbal language. Indirect aggression is not physical in nature; rather, it can include dirty looks, spreading rumors, attacking someone’s social status, excluding someone, sharing secrets discussed in confidence, breaking trust, and encouraging peers to dislike or turn against another person.

We know that fitting in is a top priority among adolescents, and the ways in which girls behave to fit in are unique. For girls, popularity is correlated with power, and often, girls use being mean as a way to gain social status in a group. Popular girls are more likely to be mean, whereas girls with a lower position in a group are likely to use kindness as a means to gain status. As caregivers, it’s helpful to remember that girls aren’t being mean to just be mean. They’re engaging in not-so-nice behaviors as a tool to fit in and gain social status among their female peers. It’s still not right, but at least it shines a light on the reason for the behavior—it all comes back to the pressure to fit in.

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENT SOCIAL MEDIA DIALECTS

Teens seem to effortlessly speak the language of social media, while most parents scramble to keep up with a dialect that continues to change and expand. Like any language we learn, we need to start with basic terminology. Here, social media basics will address the different forms of social media and the types of interactions they facilitate among teens.

The categories of social media are vast and ever-changing. They include social networking, photo and video sharing, blogging, and community-building platforms. Social networking is likely the most familiar to caregivers; it allows teens to stay connected and interact with each other. Through these sites, teens can upload and share pictures and videos; tag their peers; share content by topic or theme with hashtags (#); react to content with a “like,” “love,” or “dislike”; share and re-share posts; and private-message one another.

Photo and video sharing are exactly what they imply. Teens can post and comment on photos and videos. Some sites known as bookmarking sites allow teens to save and organize links from a variety of online resources. Through bookmarking sites, teens can create vision boards of favorite quotes, wish lists, clothing styles, or music interests.

Social media also allows for connection within specific communities. Community-building platforms provide discussions among a group of people, where a specific question or topic can be posted, and readers can respond with their own ideas, experiences, and opinions. Teens don’t have to write a response to participate; they can simply read the content.

Blogging, which is written material that is shared with readers on different topics or experiences of the person writing, provides opportunities to share content and opens the door for further discussion among those who have read the blog. Blog content is often provided on a consistent basis. Once the blog is posted by the writer, readers can comment on what the individual has written via a comment section. In turn, the writer and other viewers of the blog can respond to the readers’ comments.

Other common social media terms include memes, GIFs, vlogging, and group chats. Memes can include any form of content, be it a video, written text, or image with wording that is copied and shared. Memes are typically humorous and spread rapidly. They can include content about beliefs, stories, or phrases. GIFs are videos that can be shared, that repeat on a loop without the recipient needing to press play. Essentially, teens (or anyone) can use GIFs to express their thoughts or feelings, just like they would when using an emoji. Vlogging is similar to blogging, yet the shared content is provided in video form. Vlogs can cover an array of content and themes including tutorials, travel, music, and educational materials. A group chats is a common messaging thread, similar to text messaging, shared among a group of people.

THE PRESSURES TO PERFORM ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Performance and perfection tie together on social media, interweaving in a way that places immense pressure on teens. Research supports this concern, noting that 37 percent of teens feel pressured to receive “likes” from viewers, and 43 percent feel pressured to keep up a certain appearance online. Considering how much time teens spend on social media, understanding how and why teens engage as they do is essential to understanding them and what drives them. It’s also important that parents keep up with social media trends and are aware of potential dangers. 

At a time when teens are looking to fit in, social media culture fuels this inherent desire through what I term “online validation.” Online validation is the acceptance teens feel when viewers engage positively with their shared content. The more positive validation they receive, the more teens feel a sense of being “good enough,” and the more compelling the cycle to post appealing content appears. When teens receive a “like” on social media, the brain produces dopamine, a “feel-good” neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. Think about it. How often have you observed your teen instantly engaging with their phone the second a notification goes off? They want to see how others have responded.

Teens feel the need to post engaging content to receive online validation. Engaging content appeals to viewers and draws attention to the individual posting. Teens can receive immediate feedback that implies, “We like you, you’re good enough.” To boost their success rate, teens find numerous ways to put the best versions of themselves online. Filters and photo editing allow teens to change the way they look, creating flawless photos to share. Apps have even been created allowing teens to change their facial features, whether it’s a smaller nose or fuller lips. Numerous tutorials also share tips with teens on how to take photos that are both attractive and appealing. It’s easy to see the problem with this, right?

Indeed, social media has created a culture that supports putting only the best aspects of our life into the public eye. Teens can create a false narrative of “everything is perfect,” leaving the sometimes-messy realities of life behind a screen and fueling unhealthy comparisons. If teens constantly see idealized versions of others’ lives online, it’s invariably going to make them feel less-than, as though their life is lacking. In a study of older adolescents, those who engaged with social media passively, merely looking at others’ photos, expressed a decrease in life satisfaction, compared to peers who use social media to post content or interact with others. Indeed, interacting to connect or stay in contact with others is likely to provide better results compared to someone who is posting just to stay

Social media allows teens to learn from and share content, connect with larger communities, sustain relationships, and find fun. Yet, there’s this very large, abstract gray area behind the screen that is unknown to many caregivers. Most parents understand the bigger risks associated with social media. Still, many parents aren’t clear on how the smaller features within these apps work, such as video chat options, secret chat rooms, live streaming, location tracking, and settings that allow a profile to remain public or private.

One strategy that has been marketed to teens is the “disappearing” photo or video. While most teens lean toward sending silly videos and pictures, the false premise around supposedly temporary photos (keep in mind, anyone can take a screenshot of a temporary photo) can increase the likelihood of teens sharing provocative photos or engaging in sexting—exchanging, sending, or receiving messages or visuals of a sexual nature. Another strategy targets a teen’s ability to remain anonymous. For example, one social platform allows teens to anonymously post what’s on their minds, accompanied by a picture. The risk here is exposure to, and the sharing of, inappropriate content.

Self-education on the different social media apps your teen uses and how they work is a great start. The internet can provide substantial information regarding what the different apps entail and how to reduce social media risks by complying with age requirements or knowing how to turn off specific features like location tracking. Engaging with your teen in an open dialogue about the risks and benefits of social media is also key. Here are a few tips for engaging them:

• Start the conversation from a young age.

• Ask your teen regularly what websites and apps they are using (don’t assume).

• Address the need for personal information to remain private online.

• Take a collaborative approach to setting realistic boundaries around social media use.

STUDY PREP: YOUR POSITIVE PARENTING TIPS

• MEET YOUR TEEN WHERE THEY’RE AT.

 While parents would prefer that their teen talk to them directly and face-to-face, a teen would argue that any form of communication is sufficient. Knowing that teens use indirect forms of communication, it can actually be helpful to meet your teen with their preferred style of communication, including via text messages or private messages on social media. While this may not be ideal to you, you’re likely to get a response from your teen—and maybe even a laugh. This isn’t to replace direct forms of communication, nor am I suggesting that conversations around safety or risk should be handled behind a screen. Just consider that sometimes, a text message exchange can make for easy and painless communication.

• HELP THEM UNDERSTAND THEIR BODY’S RESPONSES.

 When your teen comes to you upset and looking for help, you can encourage them to sit with their uncomfortable feelings. You might ask, “Where do you feel the anger in your body?” or, “What does this feeling of anxiety feel like in your body?” It’s okay to provide descriptors such as sharp, dull, throbbing, sweaty, heavy, etc. You’ll find that the more your teen is feeling with the emotion physically, the more likely the feeling will subside. I suggest starting this practice with emotions that are felt at a lower intensity, such as nervousness that feels like a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest intensity. During this practice, encourage your teen to pay attention to their breath and think about the sensations in their body without judgment. You know your teen best. Consider when it’s appropriate to suggest this practice, and when they just need some space.

•  HELP THEM REFLECT ON AGGRESSION AND ITS CONSEQUENCES.

 Teen girls aren’t likely to associate their style of interactions with definitive terms such as “indirect aggression.” Caregivers can provide moments of self-reflection to address how girls interact with one another. Providing a definition for indirect aggression and exploring how females assert and gain social status is key. Ask closed-ended questions to start, such as, “Have you ever been excluded by a group?” or, “Have you ever started or fueled rumors?” You can follow these with open-ended questions, including. “What was it like to experience that exclusion?” or. “How do you think someone might feel if they are the one being talked about?”

•  DISCUSS PERFECTION VERSUS AUTHENTICITY.

Start a conversation about your teen’s experience with social media. Bring up the pressures to perform on social media and whether they notice an expectation to project perfectionism over authenticity. Discuss with your teen how the majority of people share the best versions of themselves online, and ask your teen about their own experience with how they represent themselves. Have they shared accurate portrayals or false representations of who they are? Did one version feel better than the other? If so, how and why? Address aspects such as photo-editing tools and filters, and how it’s extremely brave for them to show up as who they really are. Teens need to hear that everyone has aspects about themselves that they wish to hide or change, and that perfectionism is an unobtainable expectation—for anybody.

•  WORK TOGETHER TO ESTABLISH SOCIAL MEDIA EXPECTATIONS.

 Not only is it helpful to do your own research on social media, including the specific platforms your teen uses and how they can safely engage on different apps, it’s also essential to talk with your teen regarding the expectations around social media, including:

• What apps are they allowed to use?

• What features on these apps are they allowed to use?

• What information are they allowed to share and not share?

• What expectations do they have for themselves and their interactions with others?

• What can happen if they engage in ways that pose safety concerns?

• How can they use social media responsibly?

KEY TAKEAWAYS 

If this chapter has taught us anything, it’s that communication is supported by an emotional menu that encompasses more than just tone of voice or physical sensations in the body, and the ways in which teen girls communicate are facilitated through different avenues. These avenues include face-to-face interactions (even through sometimes limited verbal responses with caregivers and other adults), indirect communication with peers, and social media platforms that enable teens to interact, share, and observe in many different ways. Here are other key takeaways from this chapter:

•  In the same way that feelings are multi-layered, communication is multifaceted. Communication is much more than just the sharing of words, just as the expression of feelings is more than simply identifying an emotion. Teen girls are more emotionally expressive compared to male peers, with gender norms and socialization playing a role. Research supports the fact that teen girls are often discouraged from expressing their discomforting emotions.

• Feelings fuel connection, and when teen girls are encouraged to feel with and through emotions, instead of pushing down or distracting from them, they create foundational skills to integrate and address feelings with greater ease and confidence.

•  Teens are inundated with pressure to perform on social media. Performance is influenced by online validation, the creation of noteworthy content, perfectionistic attitudes for posting flawless pictures, and comparison themes perpetuated by others posting idealized versions of themselves. Brain chemistry also stimulates the desire to perform in this area with dopamine, a “feel-good” neurotransmitter associated with pleasure.

•  Social media creates a huge learning curve for caregivers, as social media apps are constantly changing in their popularity among teens. Social media involves its own language and requires its own instruction manual to comprehend the differences between social networking, photo and video sharing, blogging, and community-building platforms, and to reduce the potential risks associated with social media. Parents are encouraged to learn about the different platforms and their risks, and to talk to their teens about those risks in order to help prevent personal danger or damage to reputation. A simple internet search for “what do I need to know about social media” is a good place to start.

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